My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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