so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
