I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
