My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
