all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
