after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
