Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
