I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize