They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the day after is always just damage control
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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