My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
