i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
