Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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