I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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