I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
