come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
