Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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