I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
