at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
