Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
