dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
