i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize