I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
