so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
