So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
