We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
