she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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