if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
