So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
