Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize