Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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