I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
