Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
When are your genitals available?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
