i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
