so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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