did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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