Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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