He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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