when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
