made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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