no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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