Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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