I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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