Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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