I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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