I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
