Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize