My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
