Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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