literally had 100 drinks last night.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
