Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
sarcasm needs its own font
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
