Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
