after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
