If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
