I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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