We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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