everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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