Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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