Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
