i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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